I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
