yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And then he peed in my hair
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
