Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
