Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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