turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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