wanna go halves on a baby?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
