Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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