I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
