The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
