Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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