I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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