So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
