Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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