My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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