you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
