When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
