Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
