wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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