Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
