fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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