:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
