My sheets look like a crime scene.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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