apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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