By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
