I bet he comes in French.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
