you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
