I'm so fucking centered right now
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
