cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
