I just pynch a tree in the face
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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