i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
