Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
