Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
