it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
