The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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