god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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