I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
