literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
