Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
