I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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