"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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