I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
