Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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