I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
it's like heaven, but drunker
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
