turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
