This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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