my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
sarcasm needs its own font
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
