first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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