I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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