i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
