I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
