i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
