you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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